Regrets and Silver Lining

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Really would give

Everything if I could

Get one more tight hug from him.

Realizing how short and precious life is.

Even if he knew I loved him,

Totally beating myself up for not calling or seeing him more.

Want Another Hug Like This

Want Another Hug Like This

Regret is a horrible thing, especially when there’s nothing you can do to fix it.

Yesterday I got a phone call that instantly filled me with regret.  I couldn’t make out my mother’s words, but I knew something was wrong. Through her muffled sobs, I finally heard her.

“Papa’s dead!”  she screamed.

She repeated this 3 or 4 times, and I still couldn’t believe/understand what she was saying.  My grandma just underwent heart surgery for the second time in 2 years, so it didn’t make sense that my grandpa would be dead.

I jumped up quickly from bed and said, “Where are you?  I’m coming.”  In that instant, nothing else mattered; I needed to be with my mom.

I took the quickest shower ever and rushed out the door.  As I drove closer to my grandpa’s home, I realized he was most likely still there.  I didn’t know if I would be able to see him in whatever state he was in.

When I approached the house and saw a police car, I knew he was in fact still there.  I walked in cautiously afraid of the sight that might greet me.  I was scared to look, but I saw the rest of my family crowding around my grandpa who had passed sitting in his chair.

I inched closer to him, and I saw him peacefully asleep sitting up with his legs still crossed. He looked just like I remember him.  He had his crossword puzzle close by and a picture of his mother, my great grandmother, was right above his right shoulder.

When was the last time I saw him or talked to him, I began to wonder.  I realized I didn’t even know this.  Life gets so busy, but I cannot accept that as an excuse.

I pray my grandpa knew how much I loved him.  I would give anything to hear him say my name once more.  Even to this day, he still called me ,”It a bits,” the childhood nickname he gave me.

I’ve been beating myself up since yesterday.  My priorities seem so off track right now.  I feel like I devote myself to my work at the expense of relationships with my family and friends.  This has to change.  I can’t let another relative or friend not be 100% clear that I love them.

When I was sitting at my grandpa’s, I overheard my family talking about how his body was being donated to science.  I couldn’t help but be grateful that this happened on President’s Day.  I was given a gift of closure in being able to see him one last time.  Had I been at school yesterday, seeing him would most likely not been an option.  Not only was I able to see him, but I was able to pray with my family and the priest that came before they took him away.

It’s amazing how quickly your family is there when something happens.   Suddenly life stops and your priorities are in check.  I don’t want to wait for another death to have my family come first.

Please call and visit with your loved ones.  Don’t let life get in the way of what’s really important.  I know I would change some things if I could.

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8 thoughts on “Regrets and Silver Lining

  1. I am so glad that you were there for your family AND for your grandpa. I am sure that in comforting those left behind, you helped him in ways we will never know on earth. That picture above – certainly shows a papa who loved his girls and girls that certainly loved their papa. You, and your family, are all in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. I am so sorry about the loss of your grandpa. I know what you mean about being so devoted to work that your relationships with others suffer. My grandma is almost 90 and is really starting to have memory issues. Your post makes me want to go see her this weekend. Thanks.

  3. Just saw this post after I read the puzzle one. So heart breaking. You are going through so much this year. So glad you have your blog. It’s a record of your life. Take care.

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